It’s been four long years since I first began my journey as a college student and as an independent person apart from my parents. Finding my identity along that path was difficult, and I’ve had to reevaluate where I stood on various issues. I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that the world my parents grew up in is vastly different from my own. Not everything they said about the world is true, and not everything I believed about the world is true.
After the fiasco with my parents’ divorce and the ensuing drama which accompanied it, I found myself feeling like I’d been hung out to dry. Tumultuous as it was, the family life I grew up with was still a source of solace and even comfort during times when my own life was in a state of disarray. Now, my mom and sisters would be moving over a thousand miles from me, and I was powerless to protect my sisters and our dog Daisy from the perils which would inevitably cross their paths. Further, my dad would be feeling disenfranchised because he would be left alone to readjust after nearly twenty years of living with a family.
I underwent the arduous process of grieving for a life which was now fast coming to a close. No more slightly tense dinners at Christmas time, and no more nights where we would prepare traditional Chinese, Thai, or Vietnamese dishes in the spacious kitchen. Whenever I see my dad from now on, it will necessarily be in the absence of the rest of my family. Whenever I see my sisters, mom and Daisy, it will be in the absence of my dad. The house we lived in for roughly seven long, hard years has now been rented out to someone else. The rooms and walls which contained the sadness, joy, frustration, and grief of our family’s story would now hold the joy and sadness of someone else’s life. My room is gone, and my family is still further away.
During those four long years of college, I underwent a drastic change in my attitude toward romance and love in general. I came from a place where my wounds still felt fresh to a place where I felt confident enough to open my heart to someone else besides my sisters and Daisy. I fought through my own insecurities, sometimes successfully and sometimes letting them get the better of me. I also learned to stand up for what I believed in and to assert my own personhood.
Now, I find myself standing on the edge of the unknown, transferring to a new school in the fall and studying music. I’m excited for the change and to finally be studying something I love. Yet, I find myself feeling lost again. I’m so tempted to have a pity party, wondering why things can’t ever go the way I want it to. For once, can I just be myself? For once, could things please just go smoothly and as I’d like for them to?
I know I take a terrible risk here when I lay myself out transparently like this in such a public forum. Here, everyone holds a more or less equal opportunity to come across these words and take away from them what they will, be it good or otherwise. Yet, I hope someone out there may find these words and perhaps be able to gain something from them.
